In the Natural History museum, it is filled with dioramas, nature scenes from all over the world. Places that I have experienced first hand, and it occurred to me as I saw numerous school kids pressing their faces against the glass, that most of them will never have teh opportunity to set foot in the real dessert or see the actual wildlife or feel the breezes or smell the scents. This is the closest they will ever get to it. Again I was filled with gratitude.
Update Apr 2021
It is strange to me that I can only ever get about two paragraphs written before I lose my train of thought. I never mentioned the wonder of performing with a large choir of 300 people in Carnegie hall. Or the beauty of being able to perform baptisms in the Manhattan temple with my children or being able to attend a session where I was one of only about three people. At least that is my recollection now that it has been a few years.
Prior to this of course, we spent Thanksgiving in Columbia at Nana's house. We made a small turkey breast from Costco into thanksgiving dinner along with an assortment of gluten free sides. We visited DC and got to meet with our representatives and tour congress and see the air and space museum. Strange how those things seem so mundane now that we have been living through lockdowns, a pandemic, and a major uprising at that very capitol building. I couldn't imagine then that in just a few short years the entire capitol complex would be surrounded by razor wire and fencing.
What is happening to this country? What is happening to me? My mind has been clearer than at almost any time my entire life, and yet I find my memory to be more holes than whole. I am unable to remember conversation details 5 minutes after I walk away. I can't take notes on everything. Mostly though I feel numb? I am not sure that is the right word. I have been emotionally numb before and though this is similar, it seems different in some crucial way that I can't describe. I no longer feel joy or excitement or fear or anything really, but I can't see how that has been by choice. The anxiety is gone. The buzzing in my brain is gone. I am able to focus on completing tasks that used to be beyond me. But I no longer find joy in things either.
I suppose I am mad that the price of having my mental faculties is that I can no longer eat anything I want. In fact, I can't eat most things. Lately the list of foods I can eat seems to be shrinking again. I feel as though I am on a treadmill that is slowing increasing the incline. I have to work harder while going the same speed just to keep from falling off. I miss being able to gather with people over food that brings everyone enjoyment. Cooking used to be fun, but now I find it such a chore having to carefully prepare foods that are free of all the things that kill my brain cells. Not to mention trying to keep everyone else fed with foods they want at the same time. I find eating out increasingly impossible which limits what I feel I can do for date night.
I wouldn't think that so much of my joy and excitement in life is tied to food. But we just celebrated Easter, and I found it difficult to feel anything at all as I have no joy in celebration without food. I still ate things that were on the edge of OK, but the worry that I will have to pay the consequences saps the joy of it away. I don't know how to walk away from this or just let it go. I feel like it was an answer to prayer, but at the same time is the worst curse. Is this my Abrahamic test? Am I failing? I want to be willing to sacrifice whatever the Lord requires, but I find this to be most difficult.
